“I am missing you” text at 7:18
I know this ; but It’s time to let go. I probably miss the moment before everything went too far beyond re-patching. Not up until now when you contact me in spirit or in prescence it’s more of a scratching. An itch from an uncomfortable place perhaps that up until now I was trying to replace. So I thank you for pointing out the redness in a place that I know now that I should just leave alone. Even if leaving it alone feels like I am being inconsiderate of what made that irritation take place. Yes it bothers me but what good is touching it when in leaving it alone necessary healing is taking place? When necessary regeneration is taking place? See- whether you know it or not- you want me to stay the same. Which is why you keep on pointing out the irritation and the rawness that has taken place.
You got the same mark , not in the same place though the cause was the same. Mine was passed on from you- I don’t blame you for not having the tools for knowing what to do . And here we’re are it’s my turn now. I honor you by letting this heal.
forreal. the best I can do for myself is heal. The best for all of us really. You might not see it this way it’d be an extra gift if you did but I don’t expect you to heal from a past that wasn’t so nice to you. You didn’t have the tools or the leisure time I did so I owe up to myself to be a big kid. I owe it to you and ultimatley I know that I don’t owe anybody shit. Except God; my karma that’s it. To live. So I promise you one thing and that’s it. I will make nu of what was a thorn in me regardless of who I got it from. Fuck the blame shit , I know where it came from.
If this takes me off the list of the sane one, so be it. I was just pretending to be dumb
done.
you like to late night eat; stuff yourself of issues that will never meet. Nights like these I find myself making nachos at 3 am trynna make sense on where the road bends. Where it went left, and how to get right with myself-so I will.
I’m doing the work.. I add some cheese and disregard my health cause truly thoughts of unneassiness and hurt, misplaced emotions are swarming around so while im sorting it out I spread the cheese around.
Making sense of it all
no one said this be cheesy, the emotions that rise might me a little uneasy.
It can get nasty asessing yourself and still knowledge of self is the real wealth.
So this is where I am today, in this moment. Doing the work and easing the pain one nacho away. Channelling you — I see that there was a issue with food.
was dad’s wandering eye a result of you choosing what to eat and what not. I do vivdly remember a time when you could not hold down anything
was that due to suppressed emotions taking up space in your stomach no more superficiality did you need more spirituality ?
A prayer warrior Friday thru Sunday , Prayer line everyday 6am
Church on sunday lay your burdens down only to pick back up what you fake put down.
Sometimes I wish you saw what I saw; but then again not even — it’d all be too painful, put you in shock. Or maybe you knew what was eating you from the inside out causing you knots and nauseousness all day in and all day out
but not the proper outlet to let it all fall out
So
I guess it was all up to little me. Baby Chris to observe and see
peep the blueprint but be sure not to repeat.
I wonder what it’d be like if you had the luxury to see what I saw
to the extent that I had. Could you just not bear to see it, would it have made you too sad?
I understand if you would’ve felt the same way. Im sorry you didn’t have the same luxuries I did and you had to continue to keep on keeping on regardless of the weight.. The pain.
I look to myself and say that that was not okay. That you were exposed to others sadness and deep sorrowful pain. That this world stomps on you when you’re made this way- But 23 year old me would also say that you became a master alchemist and counselor for yourself and others who experienced unbearable pain. An exorcist and extractor a voice that talks many off of cliffs soothes them and levels them out to nu life. That you became a master investigator by just staying in your lane, that what you were gifted with was learned through experience and cannot be taught any other way. That you are masterful, schollary in your own significant way.
That your solitude was annointed and there simply wasnt any other way. That you still have ways to go and the world is shifting to make spaces build rooms for beings like you to exist in. That you are lucky enough to have others who support you in your solitude. That you bring such a necessary medicine to the world ,that your discoveries require you to do your own thing, and that it might seem lonely now But you just wait on it . You’re going to change the world past what we can figure out. There is power being extracted in your experience. And I just want to thank you for sitting through the fire, for doing what no one else has the guts to do. You’re important only you can do what you’ve come here to do. You hold the key , and Im so glad that it’s you. That it’s in you.
Nachos & cheese
